(Volunteer) Job Alert: Would You Like To Just Count The Squirrels?

Do you have a stressful job, a job that leaves you feeling sweatily anxious on Sunday nights, as if you'd downed six consecutive cups of coffee and must now marinate in a shaky sort of nameless panic as the world closes in? Do you actually live in that state of dread not just Sunday but every day, because you work in, oh God, the news? Do you miss the feel of the sun on your face and worry you'll get rickets if you spend one more week in the joyless cubicle you basically call home? Do you like animals, and also working with your hands? Do you love fall most of all? (Of course you do.)

If you answered heck yes to any or all of the above, then I am extremely pleased to announce that I have a *fun job* alert that might be of interest: Counting squirrels in Central Park. As an extremely part time volunteer gig, it admittedly does not pay or provide benefits. But someone's gotta do it, and honestly why not you? Why not me, for that matter.

The Squirrel Census currently seeks willing New Yorkers who want to spend 2.5 hours tallying up the tree rats (specifically, the Eastern gray tree rat) in our city's largest park, during peak foliage season: October 6th to October 20th. The only requirements to become a Squirrel Sighter are being at least 14 years old and an ability to count. The Squirrel Census will provide the requisite implements—"pencil, clipboard, tally sheets, map"—along with the "coaching, pats on the back, and the occasional, 'Go get 'em!'" you might not get from your current boss. You need only show up to your appointed 7:30 a.m. to 10 a.m. OR 4:00 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. time slot in a timely fashion, and get counting.

Not mentioned in the volunteer position posting: The opportunity to observe and interact with celebrities in their natural habitat. There's simply no telling which of New York's Sciurus carolinensis stars might show up on your watch! There's Coffee Squirrel. There's Pizza Squirrel, and Pizza Squirrel, and Pizza Squirrel. There's Taco Squirrel. There's Milkshake Squirrel. There's Shake Shack Squirrel. There's Human Flesh-Fed Squirrel. Excuse me but can you conceive of a more exciting job perk than that?

The Squirrel Census had not clarified why, exactly, they require so much meticulous squirrel data at time of publication, but the project's creator, Jamie Allen, told amNY that the exercise offers "a unique way to look at the urban greenspace." Further, Allen added, "You will see [the park] through the eyes of the squirrel and you will learn the personalities of the Central Park squirrels." This opportunity is unparalleled.

The Mayor's Office, meanwhile, reminds all you Squirrel Sighters to "count with your eyes, not your hands," because these arboreal rodents sometimes carry diseases.

Sold? I am. This has all been very fun but I now that I have found my real calling, which is counting squirrels and doing absolutely nothing else, it's time for me to tender my notice. See you in Central Park, Sighters!!!!