Raccoons Are Brawling In The Walls In Queens (New Units Available!)

April 24, 2019, 1:17 p.m.

A block in Queens is being terrorized by distempered raccoons who brawl in the walls at night.

LET ME IN.

LET ME IN.

Having tired of terrorizing the subway (but probably not), a pack of diseased raccoons has laid siege to a stretch of Queens homes. These furry interlopers have taken up residence in an abandoned house on the 104-00 block of 164th Street, brawling in the walls at night. They may also be hosting rowdy sex parties, because as ABC 7 reports, trash panda breeding season is upon us.

If you find yourself wondering what kind of diseases these garbage gremlins have contracted, well, it's a good question: The city has recently adopted a trap, vaccinate, and release policy in dealing with the raccoons of Upper Manhattan, having identified four rabid specimens in their midst. But then, none of us will forget the rash of "zombie raccoons" roaming around New York City's parks last year, thanks to (allegedly unrelated) outbreaks of canine distemper virus.

According to ABC 7, experts with Hunters Wildlife Removal—none of whom could be reached for comment on Wednesday—suspect the Queens raccoons have distemper, because the two they've captured apparently exhibit Alzheimer-like symptoms. Whatever's going on with them, it's definitely not making the raccoons more considerate upstairs neighbors: They have sprawled into neighboring attics attached to their derelict clubhouse, deterring potential renters and aggravating everyone in earshot.

"I can't put someone to live in a house when it sounds like it's a fight in the walls," homeowner Amry Conliff told ABC 7. "Who is going to rent property like that?"

Having lived in a raccoon-infested building myself, I would say plenty of people, probably! This city is teeming with rodents of every conceivable shape and size, they're there whether can currently see them or not, and after a while you get used to the sounds of vermin clubbing one another with their miniature man hands: The ruckus becomes just another unremarkable thread in the rich tapestry of urban cacophony. Anyway, better in your bedroom ceiling than in your bedroom, amirite? Because that happens more often than you might care to consider.

Anyway, if you're still feeling squeamish, here's a helpful guide to living a peaceful life under your new furry overlords. I, for one, welcome them.