Have You Heard? It's Very, Very Cold Out There

Step into the deep freeze, friends.

Although the weekend's snow-pocalyptic weather event didn't unfold quite the way real meteorologists and I warned you it would, the arctic blast did make the outside world very very cold, and very very unpleasant. According to the NY Post, today marks the coldest January 21st in three years. What an achievement.

Right now, AccuWeather puts the actual temp at 9 measly degrees, but if you are reading this from outdoors, you will appreciate that it feels like -6 degrees due to that unforgiving bastard, Wind Chill. Speaking of which, we also have a Wind Advisory in effect until 7 p.m.: Gales will be blowing at 25 to 35 mph all day, with gusts threatening 45 mph. (No one will be able to hear you scream.) By tonight, 10-degree temps will feel like a miserable NEGATIVE 18, and I hope those of you who have ventured out can get home in time to shelter in place before we reach this absolutely frigid Phase II.

Although today is Martin Luther King Day, and therefore a national holiday, many people still have to go to work. (Ice T and the Law & Order: SVU cast feel your pain, or the frostbitten numbness that's entombed the part of you that used to feel pain.) Still others inexplicably chose to go outside; regardless, it's thanks to these intrepid outdoor adventurers that we can give you an overview of the current situation.

Apparently, Hot Duck madness remains in full effect, the allure of Mandarin Patinkin still strong enough after all these months that his disciples braved the cold to check on him. Don't worry, he's fine—the Central Park Pond he calls home is naturally heated by underground springs, according to Manhattan Bird Alert.

Over in Bryant Park, resolutely bundled tourists marveled at the frozen fountain, which—let's be honest—looked just a liiiiiiittle more impressive during the legendary deep freeze of February 2016. As mentioned, though, there are still plenty of hours left for the ice sculpture to expand, so perhaps I should reserve judgments.

The city's subway system has also grown some impressive ice appendages overnight. Weekend rain seems to have exacerbated standard subway drip, which then froze into murderous icicles threatening to dislodge themselves the next time the train rumbles by. Please use caution when entering and exiting the train, lest you find yourself impaled by a rogue stalactite.

Many frost-averse New Yorkers who attempted to avoid all this with a trip to warmer climes will have found their plans thwarted: Airplanes, as it turns out, would also prefer not to go to work when it is so so cold. According to the NY Daily News, the tundra temps and unrelenting winds have created chaos at our area airports, with Newark reporting 177 delayed flights, JFK charting 133 delays, and LaGuardia leading the pack at a hair-tearing 277 delays. Forget about escape, you're trapped here.

With that in mind, please exercise empathy toward your fellow New Yorkers: Foregoing delivery orders exempts another human from having to bike through the wind tunnel (if you must order, please tip generously because these workers are doing the hard work for you!); and if you're debating whether to donate a subway swipe to help keep someone warm, know that it is totally legal. Please also make sure your short-haired friends are adequately suited up before you take them out to pee. If you're cold, they're cold, put them in snow suits.