Are You Ready For The ARCTIC BLAST?

I write all of this with the utmost skepticism because I have been burned before (and recently), but apparently, we might get some snow today. And maybe if we don't get too excited about the possibility—if we don't stare the Polar Vortex directly in the eye, but instead treat it with feline indifference—then the snow will actually come.

What currently seems definite, however, is the impending Arctic Blast that promises to freeze us all where we stand. So there's that.

According to AccuWeather, a "snow event" could begin any minute and continue through late morning, bringing us a dusting of flurries and temps in the low-to-mid 30s. As those continue to climb toward 40 (at 4 p.m.), any precipitation we see could transform into rain that lingers until the evening. Anyway, things are currently forecasted to feel pretty regular until about midnight, when the snow returns with renewed intention, bolstered by the goddamn WIND, rattling your windows at 23 mph and making it very hard to sleep.

On Wednesday, we might enjoy an afternoon snow squall heck yes, or we may not! Again, I'm losing a lot of faith in The Weather. However, temps look poised to drop once more, sliding into the low 20s by the time many of you embark on your commutes. Unfortunately, AccuWeather expects that 16 mph winds will make the air feel like it's just 6 degrees, so please bundle accordingly. This is the Arctic Blast my friends, and it will lock us all in the sensation of standing on the deck of a ship stranded in polar ice, the stinging gusts walloping us in the face just mercilessly, over and over and over again, and there is no place to hide.

Furthermore, this eery feeling will persist until Thursday, and it will only have gotten worse in the intervening 24 hours. AccuWeather projects Thursday's high at just 16 degrees, with a low of 6 degrees. But are you ready for the wind chill? Really, are you sitting down? Okay, here she is: Throughout most of the day, it will feel like it's in the negative teens, due to unreasonable winds battering us at 17 to 31 mph.

As you await your invariably delayed train on your above-ground subway platform, nostrils peeking out from under three layers of scarves, you will know the pain of these live alligators frozen in their swamps—snoots stuck just above the icy surface to pipe in frosty air—and you will know it intimately. Or, well, actually, cold-blooded alligators basically shut down their bodies to brace for extreme cold, so they are probably doing just fine. You on the other hand—you will wish you were a cryo-gator, as your feet freeze into ice bricks, even under all the socks.

And what of the snow squalls, you ask? AccuWeather predicts between .2 and 1 inches for NYC, with a 15 percent of a more impressive snow showing. Nonetheless, the Department of Sanitation has issued a SNOW ALERT starting at 7 p.m. tonight.

According to the Office of Emergency Management, the DSNY "has loaded 695 salt spreaders that will be ready to roll when the first flakes hit the city." They're also readying the plows, and will "activate PlowNYC" should more than two inches accumulate. But the city won't wait for snow to start salting: Overpasses, ferry terminals, bridges, all the spots where black ice may be lying in wait to break your bones provide prime targets for salting. Because, as the OEM points out, any lingering liquid will turn into a slippery death trap.

With that in mind, Health Commissioner Dr. Oxiris Barbot reminds New Yorkers that "freezing cold temperatures and winter weather are no joke," and to look out for one another. It's going to be dangerously cold out there as we descend once again into the bowels of a frozen hell.